The Unspoken Grief

While tomorrow is Mother’s Day, today I would like to remind everyone that not every woman celebrates. I don’t mean the ones who sadly remember their Moms in heaven, but the ones like me, who have suffered the unspeakable loss of losing not one or two but nine ’embabies’.

What are ’embabies’? They are the result of a couple doing IVF and having live embryos implanted. They are ‘future babies’ with plans drawn up by their Moms and Dads. They already have a place in the hearts of their parents. The parents wait for two weeks, which seems like a lifetime to hopefully hear the words, ‘yes, the embryos stuck and you are still pregnant’.

Around 6 to 6 1/2 years ago, we went through three rounds of IVF. We had a total of nine live embryos implanted throughout the three rounds. We even had little personal names for them. Sadly, we lost all nine. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them in heaven. I know one day, we will see them.

I am now able to talk about this and would like to offer support for others who have gone through this. I never compare what I went through to someone who had a miscarriage or a stillbirth. But, I just wanted to allow others to know that there are those, like me, that still gets sad on Mother’s Day because we have our own grief. ❤

Running To Improve Your Mood

It’s amazing the power a well written television show has to affect you.  I watched two episodes of a tv show today.  Both were very dark.  Both dealt with family and loss.  Having lost both my parents I’m vulnerable to being affected by those kind of stories.  Grief is a strange thing.  It never fully goes away.  Yes, you learn to live with it.  Yes, time dulls the pain.  But that pain can so easily be brought back.  Sharply.  A certain song.  A certain scent.  Or a plot in a television show or movie.  Even a stray thought can trigger depression.

So basically I was in a real funk.  I couldn’t seen to shake this mood off.  So i decided to go for a run.  I’ve heard plenty of times exercise can improve your mood.  So I took myself to our local park.  I walked a mile as a warm up.  Then I started my run.  I only intended to run one mile.  But as I came to the end of the mile I realized I still had something left in the tank.  So I continued my run.  I managed an extra half mile.  It’s still hard.  I guess running is never going to be easy.  But my stamina is definitely increasing and my will power is getting stronger.

So did it improve my mood?  Yes, it did.  I do feel much brighter now.  Next time i get into a state of depression or a bad mood I know what to do!

A Tribute To A Good Man

The world is a darker place today. We lost a good man. Our loss is Heaven’s gain.

My wife’s stepdad, Don, has suffered a great deal over the last couple of years. First a series of mini strokes robbed him of his ability to speak. Then he fell and broke his hip. He had surgery, rehab and was even able to go home for a couple of months. But his health started to deteriorate further. To cut a long story short he spent his last few months alternated between a nursing home and hospital. The last few weeks his kidneys failed and he ended up on dialyis. It has been so hard to watch him go through all this. But his suffering is over now. What he went through I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He truly didn’t deserve to go like that. He was a proud man who valued his independence. All that was taken away from him in the end. He bore it all with incredible bravery. But it’s over now. His heart gave out Tuesday morning. We had the wake on Friday and his funeral was Saturday.

Don was a good man. One of the best. He would have given you the shirt off his back if you’d needed it, without expecting anything in return. He wouldn’t even want anything in return. Any time anyone needed him to do something he would do it without hesitation. There aren’t enough men like him in this world. Our loss is Heaven’s gain. I’m glad I had the chance to know him. He was a wonderful stepdad to my wife, Christine. This has hit her hard. But she is coping. She has many wonderful memories of him. We know he will be around us and letting us know in all sorts of ways that he is still with us. He used to like to kid around so it’ll be interesting to see how he chooses to make contact. But physically, we’ll miss him. He wasn’t the most talkative man in the world, but he was a pleasure to be around. He was just so calm. I’ve never heard him say a bad word about anyone.

Don, just know there are a lot of people down here who love you and will miss you enormously. You used to love the family gatherings. I’m sure your name will come up frequently at future family events. You have truly earned your place in Heaven.